Anxiety

Good thing....

There was this post about anxiety and how it manifest itself.   And quite a few I can identify with.  With such anxiety, relationships tend to go south.  When they do, the anxiety kicks in more... And continues on a never ending cycle.

Here is the written post, source unknown

Anxiety Attacks aren’t always hyperventilating and rocking back and forth.

Anxiety attacks can take different forms, such as:

-          Unpredictable bouts of rage or irritability

-          Nit pickiness )Obsessive behavior, which may be a part of OCD) and even a Hypersensitivity to disarray, chaos, or any sort of change.

-          Fast talking, stuttering, stumbling over words

-          Not talking at all

-          Sitting rigid, staring into space, almost seeming “zooned out”

I want to consciencly change that.   Besides the diet, exercise, and maintaining work.  Going to do my best with anxiety and doing my best to lessen it.

For those who I hurt because of this, I am sorry.  For those who has seen it manifest to them, I am sorry.  I am working on my self harder then before, and still hope you are willing to stand by me to support me

Decollaring

Very early in the AM this morning, i looked at my calendar and realized that today was an important day for me.  It was this day 6 years ago that i was decollared from my former Sirs.   Do i want to be collared, absolutely….. do i want to be collared by my former Sirs?  No.   They took me as far as they could in each of our Leather Paths.  Would i like to be Domed by them in a scene?  ABSOFUCKINGLUTLY!!!! TO be honest, one of them still Dom/teases me with his speedo and pec bounces…….. and with the other, we still cuddle and talk (though a good flogging wouldn’t hurt). 

i was talking to one of current sub of my former Sir, and admitted to him that i am happy to see him work with the Sir and taken him further on his Leather Path (yes…we subs can and should do this by our submission).  What he said next kind of shocked me…. “You got him started”.  After initially rejecting that claim….i actually thought about it and accepted it. i have taken them both along paths that were beneficial for them.

i currently have a Protector/Mentor who is a Master. He has taught me a lot about myself (and continues to do so.  i appreciate it.  i just wished i had the money to go see him more (was laid of last March and continue to look for a job)

So this takes me on what a collar means to me.  Initially it meant that i was wanted by someone, where the neediness in me was sedated.  Do i want a collar…. Yes.  But to be frank, i am not sure what it means to me now.  i have a relationship with my Protector/Mentor right now, and it is like i am collared to him right now (as in His expectations of me are exactly the same as if i was collared).  As long as i continue to grow, Sir will be there for me.  So really…. what is so different that a lock and chain would make??? 

The Day that my Leather World stood still

i promised to catch you up to date, and here is my first in a few that I will be working on.

The Day that my Leather World stood still

 It happened on August 1st, 2012.  i was working the morning shift, and everything felt fine.  On the way home,  i grabbed some dinner on the way home and drove to my apartment.  When i got there, something didn’t feel right.  i walked up the stairs, and noticed my door open.  i didn’t think I left the door like that, and on closer examination, noticed that the door jam was busted in.  Needless to say my anxiety went through the roof.  i went into my apartment, and saw that the TV was gone, a computer monitor was gone, my PS3 that i earned threw work was gone as well as the controllers, also my laptop my former Sir gave me with some Leather family pics that were only on it were gone,  and my place was ransacked.  i called the police.

When they came, they dusted for prints and could not find any good working prints since most of them were on porous surfaces.  When they left, i called maintenance to fix my door so i can lock it. They came and fixed it.  i called work to call in the next day, and called my parents…and my mom was coming out the next day to help clean up.

i was starting to calm down, and wanted to look for my Family lock.  The family lock was given to me to ware as being part of Master Chuck’s Leather Family, as well as a protection lock (i am currently mentored and protected by Master Chuck).  i value it like i would a collar, it means a lot to me.

After looking, i came to the realization:  The Family lock was stolen!!!

This was the straw the broke the camel’s back.  i broke down, and broke down hard.  i was terrified to tell Master Chuck, i felt like it was my responsibly that the Family lock was stolen.

i called Master Chuck, and threw the tears, i  told Him.  He told me that the lock was easily replaced, but was grateful that i was physically safe and sound.  i broke down HARD.  i felt  absolved from what happened and now was able to move on.

In late August 2013, i received the replacement Family Lock from Master Chuck and really happy to have it.

One thing that i learned is that despite the specialness that the Lock (or Collar) brings, what is more important was my relationship with Master Chuck.  The relationship is the reason why it works (despite my setbacks that i create :p) and the lock is only the representation of that.

Thank you for taking the time to read this part of my life.

boy matt

First Time Bootblacking in 2 years

Hello everyone,

  i hope everyone had a good holiday this past weekend!

i went to visit a Leather Couple who host Thanksgiving at their house.  Also, that Saturday was a Leather United event.  i asked if I could volunteer to bootblack, and was told that it would be great.

Before the event, my head was spinning already of that i should not do it, i am not good enough,  etc…  the typical mind games that tend to happen to me.  However, i got myself into getting ready and went to the bar.

When i got there, and got set up…. it was odd looking at my station and starting to feel the familiarity of the scene and started to feel better.  i started to sharpen the grease pencils and position myself to get ready. And soon enough, i was ready.

Waiting or the first customer is always the hardest.  There was a slave bear taking pics and wanted one of me getting ready.  Well, i figured it be better if he was on my stand and doing his boots while he took the pics….but it ended up from going from a photo op, to actually doing his boots.  It was these nice red-brown grease boots that when I was done, had this warm feeling from them.  i looked at them and astonished that i was still able to make boots look great.

Next were these over the calf, hard polish boots.  i started to work on them, and explaining what i was doing since the person wearing them was borrowing the boots, and was learning what I was doing to take care of the boots.  The brush and flannel buffing started to feel more familiar the more i kept using it and soon enough, everything started to feel familiar.

After doing those boots, my shoulders were really sore…. it HAS been a long time since public bootblacking (two years in fact) and commented to a friend that it was a while.

As the night went on, time became distilled, and the next thing I know it was 11pm (3 hours after i started).  i went into my service/sub space without realizing it, the bar disappeared, the noise disappeared, and it was me and the boots…. and yet I still had to force myself to talk, despite being happy doing the boots.

By the end of the night, i was very tired (and hungry) and was happy.  i hope i am able to bootblack again soon, i have missed doing it.

Long time

Hello,
  sorry i have been away for such a long time, over the next month, will bring you back to date as well as some new discoveries that have been made.

thank you for your patience

boy matt

SLAGMEN weekend

Want to pass this along, i am hoping to go...depending on my job.

Registration is now open for our our annual August Cabin / Camping Leather Denim Run – a casual, friendly social week (or weekend) at an isolated camp an hour north of Sudbury. With a Cabin 4 equipped with various loaner equipment to try out, plus other areas to do what you like with, it’s a great time to connect with other leather and adventurous guys of all levels, with no pressure to do anything other than what you want to do with your time there.

This year, it’s Aug. 16 to 23, 2012 -- Thursday to Thursday. We have 4 large cabins, that sleep up to 24 guys, with single and double beds. You can come for the full week, just the weekend, or whatever combo you want. Cost is $130 for the weekend, or $290 for the full week – which is a great deal, considering it includes the camp site, all meals, and space in a cabin with bedding provided.

There’s propane fridges and stoves, full running water, showers, and lights in the cabins. There is no electricity, but arrangements can be made for anyone with C-pap or other electrical needs. More details about the run facilities here.

To download our run application please click here.

My Impersonation of an Ewok

As ordered, here is the pic of me.  This was given to me by Sir Scott's boys. i look like an Ewok ;-P

Wicket, eat your heart out!!!

Another Lesson in Trust

 Recently, i was up in Toronto to spend time with the family.  Before going up, i tend to try to set up play dates or ask people if they wanted to spend time with me.  i have been told i do it too much.  So Sir decided to teach me a lesson this weekend.

Before going into what happened, i should go into why i do what i do in the first place.   There have been a lot of times in my life where people forgot my birthday or didn’t recognize a special day in my life.  Also, when visiting my parents or friends, they seem to be watching TV or doing other not socializing.... so i was feeling abandoned and not appreciated.

Sooo, when i go somewhere i set these ‘dates’ up so that i would not get bored, i felt like i was getting quality time with the people i want to.  However this does not allow the other person to initiate with me those types of “dates”. 

Sir ordered me not to set any of those up.  i told him i initiated some and told Sir what has happened ( including a play date outside the family).  He stated no more.

When i got up there, i felt odd not being able to ask if anyone wanted to do anything.  Sir arrived the next day.  He asked me to do his boots, and got to bootblack his boots as well as smells the interior of Sirs new work boots (SNORT)

We then went to the bar.... and during the night, everyone in the family started to do CBT on me.  Considering that i was on cum restriction for a few days already, my cock and balls were buzzing.

The next day, was competition and at night was another bar event.  There, had even more things happen to me.  Play with a Daddy, played as a pog With Sir, and gave a demonstration of a pavlovian response to a Muscle Sir. (remember i was still on restriction, i was leaking a lot!!!!)

Then on Sunday, there was a play party at Steamworks.   Last year i was afraid to go because i didn’t think anyone would play with me and afraid to be alone.   This year, there was something in me that wanted to go, even though i knew the possibility of failure was high.   i get there, and someone came up behind me, wrapped a towel around my neck and said “its good to see you here boy”  i didn’t know who it was, but my gut instinct told me it was Sir, so i responded appropriately “ thank you Sir”.  i walked around  a bit and saw someone i knew.   i got to blow him for a little bi before he had to go.   i then got to see Iain get played with.  When he came, i whimpered because i wanted some of his cum and it was being rubbed into him :-( *pout*    Sir told me to go find a cock to suck of someone i didn’t know.

so i stayed in the video room to see what i could find.  nothing happened, and i went to the whirlpool.  i was followed by someone i knew, so i was not allowed to blow him :D

i started walking around some more and didn’t see (or couldn’t see) anything that interested me.

i went back to the video room and saw Sir in Leathers getting serviced.  Sir ordered me over.  What happened next i was stunned.  i was played with by Sir and a Daddy.

SNORT, was hand bound and put underneath a rim chair, and was tickled and stomped wile rimming Sir and the Daddy.

FUCK THAT WAS HOT

After the weekend was done, Sir and i talked and was told to remember this weekend.  When i stop asking to do things, people will start to ask me instead!!!

This lesson was learned; however, this will be very hard me to do.  IT is a routine i must unlearn.

WOOOF, that was a fun weekend!!!!!!

Arrived in Canada

.... and pog got a christmas present   A CHEW TOY!!!!!!

pog with a chew toy

Seeking comfort in Sir when scared

Going to the Hospital is never fun, but gong alone when you have Heart Attack symptoms makes it a lot worse. That is what happened to me Monday.

TAKE CARE OF SIR’S PROPERTY is the number one rule in Master Chuck’s family.  On Monday, i was at work.   I have been dealing with asthma for the last couple of months but ha a pain in chest.  Then i did my checklist for Heart Attacks...

Pain in chest – yes

Pain in left arm – yes

Short of breath – yes

Nauseated – yes

Pulse – high/90bpm

With that in mind, and the rule of the family.... i decided to go to the hospital. 

They took me in quickly and did an EKG.  And took me to a room in the ER.  Wile waiting for the doctor, i got really REALLY scared and very lonely.  In the back of my mind, the image of Sir’s boots was in my head.  Normally, this relaxes me because i can imagine myself taking my pog snout and smelling the inside of the boot and relaxing very quickly.  However, the boots seem very far away, and i could not reach or smell them.  That didn’t help me calm down at all.  So got my phone out and texted a few people that i could.  i was then taken into the interior of the hospital in a Chest Pain waiting room.  I was told i would be there over night.

I was scared again, but was able to get on their network and chat with a few people, and was able to IM Master Chuck briefly and it calmed me down.

The next morning, i was taken to get a Nuclear Stress Test.  It was there i was scared again...and a bit pissed off.  The tech knew were i worked and complained about it the whole time.  Wile i was getting injected, my heart raced and got light headed...and thoroughly terrified because i was not sure what my body was doing and could not change it.  i was trying to think of Sirs boots again, but still felt far away from them.

Luckily and thankfully, my heart was fine, they suspect a few minor things, but wants me to follow threw with my PCP.

What does this have to do with Leather and being a sub???? glad you asked....

you see, i find myself either forgetting the boots when i am highly stressed, or when i do remember, the image of the boots seem ‘far away’..... so i found a pic...

Sir in His work boots

i changed the background of my phone to this pic....the boots that i see when i want to try to calm down.  What i am hoping that will happen is that the boots is a constant reminder of what being calm is....so that when i do get stressed, i can physically see Sirs boots, rather then seeing them in my head.   Also when i am scared or terrified, there is the boots that are more ‘concrete’ then what is in my head.

My question for you, for those in LD D/s relationships (even those who are being mentored like me).  Do you have anything like this?  If you’re scared what kind of things do you do to help get you out of that state?

Family Blogs

Today, i want to introduce you to some of my family  member's blogs. Hope you enjoy!!

boy matt

Master Aaron's blog       boy iain's blog   Grand boy matt's blog       LeatherSon Chris' blog   Kink Dan's blog  

There is no place like Sir's boots!!!

Tonight, had a brief chat with Sir. Not very deep, a little playful.... but in the play He put out His Boots for pog to lay its face on.  This struck something very deep in me. 

Before i go into why, there is a little background history.

i am a VERY anxious sub.  i get nervous and neurotic trying to do everything right to be a good sub.  i also  get anxious before doing any of the workshops i have done, including the Bootblacking and Spirituality workshop.  Lately, when Sir senses that i am anxious, he puts his booted feet out.... and allows me to lie at His booted feet and just BE.  i do fly in this process. it calms me down significantly and able to handle what i have to do.

Now back to what happened tonight.  When Sir offered his booted feet, my head when immediately into that headspace and calmed down (even though i was not anxious)  What this means is that despite Sir and i are separated by 800 mi (or at least 1600km)  ... in that instant, i was at Sirs feet, calmed and grateful.

i need to remember this when i get anxious again.  Imagery and remembering past interactions with Sir helps really calm me down.  This also helps because at times i remember past actions i have done as a kind of flashback, and most of those are bad....but in this case the flashbacks are really REALLLY good.

SNORT BARK WAG

At Sir's booted feet, happy

Dear Leather Daddy Santa.....

Dear Leather Daddy Santa...

   i have been a very good boy this year!!!! And a good boy is always clean, inside and out....

 i hope you have seen it this past year. This boy would like to get a pair of Leather Search Gloves

i also know that the Dominants that i know like to partake in CBT, so this boy needs to stretch its balls more. this one would like to get some Oxballs Stretchers.

For pog, IT knows it would love to have as a chew toy, a stuffed pig....

Leather Daddy Santa, if i have been a really good boy.....boy would like to get a custom pair of these...

Leather Daddy Santa, i will admit that this one has not always been good.... and will accept any punishment You administer...... but Santa, i do have one request..... if allowed.... could i have some time at Master Chuck's booted feet please??????

Respectfully,

   boy/pog matt