Living alone and being lonely

Living alone and being lonely

One of the hardest things for me is being lonely.  Now, there is a difference between being alone and being lonely.  Being alone is the physical manifestation of self. In other words, i am in my apartment alone, there is no one else here.  Being lonely is the mental/emotional equivalent of that.  One can be in Times Square during New Years and be lonely.  It is the feeling that no one cares for you or that there is not anyone that you can bond to.

Well, being lonely is something that i have been fighting for a long time.  In order to understand where this is from, maybe a little history.  The Cliff not version is that my parental figures were generally cold to me (at least how i felt) and did not get a lot of physical affection.  i was also told ‘why couldn’t i do anything right’ or ‘dummy’ a lot.  i did not have a lot of friends in school, and when i did, i did not know how to maintain one, and the one meaningful friendship i had, i was told to get lost.   Most of my roommates, were roommates from hell (including the one in Ypsi) and most of the time was in my bedroom when i was not in school or work.

so, given all of that.... i do like living alone.  it is very rare that i would not mind having a roommate.  i really must trust this person a lot in order to feel safe in my own apartment.  The only time i felt that was when i was with my partner Darrell who i was with for 3 years.  However, this leads to a lot of loneliness. 

loneliness hits me to where i feel that there is this wall between me and everyone else.  i try to reach out and talk to people, but when i do talk, not getting that feeling that i would normally get in those talks (which would be considered depression).  i also get lonely when on various chats, i talk to guys that i would like to know, but get no responses or a no thank you. on very severe times, the loneliness gets very bad for me and suicide pops into my head with thoughts of (the world would be better without me.... no one will miss me, etc.) [ps yes, i have orders on what to do if this happens]

i have been lonely a lot lately.  it is not good. So doing my best to get better.... will see what happens